the nightcap

Ava (fifth most popular girls name in 2011) woke up with a gasp next to her hubby Dario (didn't make the list). Her pulse was racing like an Ethiopian runner. The room was pitch black like an Ethiopian runner; sitting up in bed she still was at a loss as to where her dream ended and reality began.

Some dreams are rated G, for general audiences. These dreams are generally free of profanity, sex, drugs, and animals that don't understand English.

Some dreams receive PG ratings due to mild profanity, usually from the English-speaking animal antagonist, or from the guy who just got kicked in the groin again.

Dreams that mimic real life usually receive an R-rating because of mature adult situations, curb stomping, meth use or tits.

The dream Ava awoke from would have likely garnered an R-rating due to some choice love-making and a handful of candid f-bombs. Not a nightmare mind you, nevertheless, Ava woke up mortified.

This would have been the condensed movie trailer for her dream:

[Snow falling gently outside a 19th century colonial home. Evening time. Christmas lights on the bushes outside the house. Christmas time]

[Scene switches to inside home, fireside]

Ava: Ooh baby, you're so thoughtful... [lifting up her candy-striped nightshirt from the tissue paper in the gift bag, she giggles when she sees the matching nightcap fall out and land on the floor. Who the hell even wears those anymore?]

Dario: Mmm baby I can't wait to see you in thisss.

Narrator (James Earl Jones please): It was their first Christmas together. They had both been good this year. There was still time however, to be a little naughty.

Ava: How about.. you wait right here. This fire is getting kind of cold, how about I go slip into something.. hott..

[In her bedroom, Ava stands in front of full length mirror wearing her nighty, adjusting breasts, puckering lips]

Dario: [playfully] Baby, hurry up, I'm sh-sh-shivering!

[Ava saunters back into the living room. Dario surprises her and jumps out and puts the nightcap on her head. Little does she know he covered the bottom in superglue. Smells like a Christmas comedy!]

[Love-making between the two ensues, obviously before Ava realizes that her candy cane cap is sticking to her head better than a half-eaten candy cane stuck in a shag rug. It works out nicely that Dario has already gift-wrapped and placed Ava's Liberator under the tree. *Product placement*]

Ava: Mmm, so glad we still have 12 nights of Christmas leftttt.

Dario: [kissing Ava] Christmas isn't over until you get that nightcap off your head, my little sugarplum fairy.

Ava: What.. [reaching for nightcap].. THE HELL? ITS STUCK! HELP HELP GET IT OFF ME GET IT OFF ME IT'S FUCKING STUCK! DID YOU FUCKING SUPERGLUE THIS THING ON MY HEAD!?

Narrator: Love can be found in the coldest of months. This December, so can tomfoolery. The Nightcap. In theaters December 15th.