Pitter patter. Patter pitter. Is the the rain knocking gently on the bay window? No, it’s wifey receiving a pitter pattering of spankings from her Old Man! You see, wifey just had the gall to try and serve her husband Chase & Sanborn coffee! Normally this would be perceived as socially acceptable, nay, socially expected of her. But let the reader be warned, there were multiple blunders performed leading up to this point, eventually leading to Husband playing the butt bongo hard.
Blunder #1- Husband had been out drinking.
Blunder #1 (clarified) - Husband had been out drinking at a local coffee shop. It was there that he was exposed to a blend of fair trade coffee that was like nothing his aged taste buds had ever laid buds on before. These Arabica beans-- handpicked by Columbian virgins wearing nothing more than those brown aprons that are donned by Starbucks employees, were roasted to perfection in a stove heated by the prayers and meditations of Tibetan monks, and then ground by hand and filtered through an antique cafetiere salvaged from the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. The finished product was a coffee experience like nothing else anything on this side of the universe. In other words, when Husband returned home, he was equipped with a newly adopted saliency for premium coffee that was not to be fucked with.
Blunder #2- When Husband came home, slurring his speech (he had brought his trusty flask of whiskey along with him to the coffee shop after all), he demanded that Wifey fix him a drink. He looked tired, and she decided that a fresh cup of coffee would do the trick. Wifey's blunder being that she then went to the kitchen and switched on the magical Keurig coffee making machine, before checking to see if she had any of the pods that America uses to make coffee out of. There were absolutely zero pods left.
Non-blunder #1- Wifey quickly prepared a casserole to help stall.
Blunder #3- As the casserole baked, wifey frantically searched for her old coffee maker, and rummaged about the cupboards for any traces of coffee grinds. Finding not so much as a bean, she quietly slipped out the door and scampered over to her neighbor's house to see if she could "borrow a cup of grinds". After ringing the doorbell a few times, her neighbor Roland answered. Making air quotes with her index and middle fingers, she asked him if she could borrow a cup of his finest grinds. He responded, saying that he would be happy to oblige. He then turned and disappeared into his house. You see, neighbor Roland though he heard "bestow a couple of your famous grinds". Wifey soon heard a jiving record start playing inside, and her neighbor suddenly sauntered back into the doorway where wifey was waiting and started grinding up on her in a fratboylike fashion. Appalled and disgusted, Wifey spun around and returned home. She reckoned Husband was growing impatient.
Wifey returned back to her home smelling like cheap cologne, to a home smelling like burning casserole. Fortunately husband had gotten cocked off irish coffee* and was passed out. (*decaf irish coffee) Fortunately the batteries in the fire detector had not been changed in a coon's age, and asleep husband remained.
Non-blunder #2- After disposing of the casserole wreckage, wifey went to the cupboard to retrieve a Swanson frozen dinner. While in the freezer she found some coffee grounds that she had set aside years back to keep fresh! And just her luck! It was Chase and Sanborn coffee! Point for the domestic Goddess!
Skipping over to the coffee machine Wifey quickly brewed up a pot of coffee. Tying her freshly ironed apron behind her she waltzed into the living room to find her husband peacefully slouched on the cough, drooling. Wifey gently tapped his knee and he stirred awake, his nostrils instantly filling with the rich, complex aroma of coffee. It's like a mother fucking Folgers commercial up in this joint he thought to himself as he gleefully wiped the sleep out of his eyes. He reached for the cup and took a sip.
Non-blunder #2 which actually turned out to be blunder #4- The coffee was several years old, and, to Wifey and Husband's mutual chagrin, it tasted like shit.
Pitter patter. Patter pitter. Maybe next time Wifey should not use coffee that has been in the freezer for several years. Pitter patter. Patter pitter. Maybe next time wifey should just fix husband a martini instead.
