what would jesus not wear (lest he get himself crucified)

A Kashmir goat would never betray its wool coat for it to be made into a by product involving a turtleneck, or any other form of men's fashion that makes one's neck appear to be uncircumcized. Contrary to calling a dirty old man a goat and having inspired the goatee, these mammals hold themselves to a higher standard than most farm animals. While the scent of feta may suggest otherwise, the farmyard morals that goats abide by are second to only those of the cock. Doing their best to live above their name, goats really do not want to be seen anywhere near hickey territory, let alone be the scapegoat for such a heinous style.

But sheep. Never hesitating to sacrifice the wool off their back or backmeat under the wool on their back--whether providing the means to knit a masterpiece that has a neckforeskin or stuffing a rubust gyro--sheep do their best to maintain their exemplary Biblical status quo. Counting sheep to fall asleep or counting on sheep to provide the yarn to make a fugly Drummond sweater, a sheep's dependability is truly second to none. That being said, sheep are often referred to as "textile sluts", displaying no degree of pride or dignity when it comes to donating their wool goods for someone else's knitting pleasure.

Wool donors aside, with sweater season swiftly approaching it is important to take a moment and consider the implications that coincide with turtleneck sweater giving--whether you are the knitter or the knittee.

While sweaters serve to provide warmth and holiday cheer in the coldest months of the year, let it be known that the term "sheepish" was coined to describe the feeling one gets when forced to publicly don a particularly embarrassing sweater. Sweaters have the ability to self-deprecate an individual like no other article of clothing, to the same extent assless wool chaps would. The fact that a super model citizen can put on a sweater and suddenly feel like a wolf in sheep's clothing has to say something about the degrading nature of this garment. When you wear a turtleneck sweater you actually want to retreat back inside your turtleshell, cry reptile tears, then poke your head back out, tie a noose, hang yourself. Ironically, the sole benefit that a well-made turtleneck provides is protection from hanging oneself.

Select women can pull off a turtleneck sweater (when worn appropriately). However, men, truth be told, a turtleneck sweater looks best on the ground. And unless you are boys with Bazooka Joe, or have an extra long neck (in which case I strongly recommend neck rings), on the ground is where it should stay.

On a final note, if you EVER find yourself with a cold neck and a herd of sheep, tempted by Satan to shear the sheep, somehow make yarn, knit, knit and purl, knit and purl yarn into a turtleneck sweater, wear turtleneck sweater STOP. Ask yourself: What the Hell Would Jesus Wear?

Hint: he would not wear a turtleneck sweater. Homeboy had standards. Homeboy wore sheep bling instead. It's a shame nothing he did ever caught on.