December 1966

the cat in the flat

Vicki stuck her nose into her Manhattan and lapped it up slowly. Chester the cat followed suit with his cup of water. They made eye contact. This date was going even better than she could have imagined. 

Vicki purred sensually, like a kitten. Chester slicked back his whiskers with the back of his paw.

Several weeks earlier, Vicki had come across Chester's profile on pussyfinder.com. She had initially sent the first message to show she was interested. Chester's owner had agreed to let him go to Vicki's flat for a playdate.

Now in her flat, sprawled on the kitchen floor, they were clearly enjoying themselves. Vicki took her index finger and scratched Chester underneath his chin. He squinted with delight and his eyes rolled backwards with pleasure. He rolled over and tenderly played with Vicki's earlobe.

Vicki giggled. It tickled. She was feeling like one smitten kitten. Moving closer towards the cat, she went in for a kiss. Their lips touched. Suddenly she screamed.

The cat got her tongue.

September 1969

chicks and beaches, you know

The girl stood there chewing her gum obnoxiously using only her back molars. Like a cracked out cow chewing its cud.

"Like, ah my gawd- you're the guy who writes that blog."

I looked up from the injured baby seagull I had been tending to. An hour earlier I found the bird struggling to stay afloat in the water, about three miles out. What was I doing three miles out in the sea you ask? Riding around on some dolphins. After I had hitched a ride back to the shore I whittled the young bird a small leg brace from piece of dried driftwood. I tied the brace to its frail leg using some dried kelp. It had been quite hungry after I applied the brace. I chewed up some of my sandwich and fed it to the young seagull chick like a mother bird would. I was pretty confident that it was going to make a full recovery. I would probably keep it as a pet. Teach it to poop on certain people. Fashion it a bird house out of a dumpster. I had decided that I would name the little chicky "Gulliver."

I nodded at the girl. "Yep. That's me."

"I read your blog like, all the time when I'm like, at the beach."

I smiled at her. "Why thank ya miss, that means a lot."

She looked at me, her bronzed face didn't move at all. Except to chew frivolously on that poor piece of gum. The poof in her hair made her brain appear larger and much more present than it really was. 

"Can you write a blog post about me?"

"Sure, if you'd give me a squirt of that Coppertone sunscreen you got there, I'd be more than happy to."

"Ok, hold out your hand."

I obliged.

[squirt]

*       *       *

The girl stood there chewing her gum obnoxiously using only her back molars. Like a cracked out cow chewing its cud.

"I just read the post. You totally wrote about that other chick way more than me, what the hell?" 

November 1963

Kent time indeed

Bonnie and Guy ignored the eerie wailing from the tsunami sirens in the distance, choosing instead to continue their bout of love-making in the sand. The ocean waves heaved silently, ominously behind them.  

The wind was really beginning to pick up when Guy finally rolled over and collapsed onto his back. They both laid there quietly, their chests heaving heavily. Bonnie released the handfuls of sand she had been clenching onto. Her tight grip had nearly turned the sand into glass.

When Guy's breathing began to subside he rolled over and rested his head on Bonnie's stomach; he looked up at her. 

"We should probably get going, sounds like a storms a-comin."

Bonnie frowned playfully. "But I want to play with Poseidon's trident some more," she teased.

Guy laughed and began to shake the sand out of his bathing suit. Suddenly Bonnie turned around and let out a terrified scream.

Guy turned to face the sea. A towering tsunami was racing towards the shore with terrifying celerity.

As they watched the wave rise up above them, they realized that they were not going to make it to safety before it reached land. 

Reaching into his pocket, Guy took out a half empty carton of Kent cigarettes. He pulled two out with his lips and offered one to Bonnie.

They both agreed that it truly was the perfect time for a Kent cigarette.