The Most Chinteresting Man in the World

Before 'The Most Interesting Man in the World', there was this fellow pictured here, known to many as

'The Most Chinteresting Man in the World'.

He didn't just have one cleft on his chin- he had seven.

He once did a chin up- by simply raising his chin.

The very first time he stroked his chin, he figured out the meaning of life.

"I don't always drink beer," he used to say, "but when I do, I prefer Miller High Life, even though tastes like foamy stale seltzer water."

May 1969

Tom Brady reads playboy

The sun was slowly setting in Belize as Tom futzed with the antenna sticking out of his portable TV. (He had dropped his iPad in the ice bath after his most recent game.) Once suitable reception was achieved, Tom dug his elbows into the sand, and propped his head on the palms of his hands. It was almost time for kick off.

Football season had concluded prematurely for Brady this year after his team had been manslaughtered at the hands of Ray Lewis and the Baltimore Ravens two Sundays prior. (Midway through the fourth quarter, Tom had already begun thinking about which pairs of Uggs he was going to pack for the coast.) An early exit meant an extended stay in his timeshare in Belize, and that was A-Okay for Mr. Tommy Bahama. 

A few yards away in the sand, Tom's beautiful wife Gisele was applying the day's final layer of cocoa butter. As she lay basking in the dwindling rays of sinking sunlight, Brady shook his feet like flippers in excited anticipation for the Superbowl start.

Because the Superbowl meant Superbowl commercials. And Tom had missed his fair share of good ones over the years. 

Finally, after the players names were announced and the jet fighters flew over the stadium and the coin was tossed and the ball was kicked down the field and returned the opposite way for a 17-yard gain, it was time for the first commercial break!

"Hey, hun?" Gisele started.

"Not now baby, seriously, right now is NOT A GOOD TIME." Tom silenced his wife assertively.

After a few subpar commercials that fell short of the Twitterverse's lofty standards, gameplay resumed, and Tom resumed being a husband to his beautiful matrimonial model.

"What's up Gazelle? Sorry, the commercials were on." 

"Can you come over here and help me get this spot on my back? I can't reach it." Tom grabbed the bottle of cocoa butter from her and lovingly obliged. He then rubbed a little on himself.

When he was back in front of the television set, the game was still on. Tom yawned and reached into his man purse for the latest issue of Playboy. The Super Bowl just wasn't as exciting when you weren't calling the plays, he decided.

Naturally, Tom Brady was the sort of man that read Playboy.

fight for your lights

Cancer dodged left then delivered a powerful upper cut to the face. It juked right and threw a screaming elbow into another face's eye socket. 

Sensing two attackers running at it from opposite directions, Cancer leapt into air-attack mode.  Everything froze for a moment as the camera quickly panned 180 degrees. Play resumed and both encroachers were quickly and efficiently hiya'd. 

After adjusting its sleeves and straightened its fedora, Cancer stepped onto its Segway and rode off.  The four embattled troupe members lay on the ground moaning and groaning. 

Cancer got them good this time.

One by one they each got up and pulled out a cigarette. They then proceeded to do a choreographed jig. 

Cigarettes got them better. 

krispy bakin'

Bonnie lowered her Glamour mag and glanced over at the girl who was calling out in her direction. Before she could see who was chirping at her, Bonnie was temporarily blinded by the sunlight that was being reflected off of the baby-oil-soaked bodies of the girl and her beau.

When the blindness subsided, she could make out an attractive couple sitting cozy on a beach towel together, sharing a box of crackers, baking in the sun's rays.

"Any Ry-Krisp around? We're almost out!" the girl shouted between giggles, crumbs flying out of her mouth. Bonnie flipped the girl a plus-sized bird, then went back to flipping through her magazine. She had tried Ry-Krisps before. It had only taken Bonnie one Krisp to realize that the flavorless, low-sodium, diet fiber crackers weren't her thing. The only reason she bought them in the first place was because they were on sale. Even the supermarket didn't want them! If she really wanted to diet, she would prefer to snack on cardboard instead. With cardboard, she could at least pretend that she was eating graham crackers.

While her portly presence was occasionally subject to crude criticism, Bonnie embraced her gracious curves. She was a real woman, there was no denying that. As a child, she had discovered that her plus-sized figure was a result of genetics, and even if it wasn't, the elliptical machine wouldn't be around until the early nineties. 

Bonnie waited until the sizzling couple dozed off in the sunlight before getting back at them. 

Creeping up to the napping duo, she picked up the near-empty box of crackers and poured the remaining cracker bits onto the towel. Even before she retreated back to her spot on the beach, the seagulls had already swooped down onto the towel to devour the crumbs. Bonnie watched as the young couple thrashed at the birds in vain. She placed her hand over her mouth and giggled as the fiber crackers kicked in and the birds defecated on the cute couple as they flew away. 

She finished her magazine, and switched over to her stomach, which was a little hungry after that prank.

Bonnie sighed. She wished that she didn't have to wait until the eighties for Choco Tacos to be invented.

October 1966