disco balls

Got a date with the disco this weekend? Make sure you have the old lady pick you up a bottle of Pub hygiene spray next time you drop her off at the supermarket. Because the seventies are no time to be smelling like a hapless hippy, especially below the belt.

4 out of 5 pairs of underwear recommend Pub hygiene spray when it comes to staying freshy fresh and keeping your man bits smelling crisp. It's the jewel of your medicine cabinet. And it's for your family jewels.

After all, it's the seventies dog! The days of smelling like a dirty, sweaty sock hop have up and ended. The decade of peace love and bellbottoms has arrived, and you're damn right your disco ballbottoms are gonna be glistening Saturday night when you're up at the discoteca getting down with your dirty self in the middle of the dancefloor.

So don't delay. Go buy a bottle of Pub today. Then stick it in your pants and spray. 

lion pride

Truth be told, Lionel was more of an advocate for gay pride than for the actual pride that he belonged to. When it came to roaring, most lion's modeled their roar after the MGM lion. Lionel crafted his after Kelly Clarkson. His vibrato could often be heard echoing over the plains, and resonating throughout the spooky carnage in the elephant graveyard. 

The beautiful mane that encircled Lionel's head was the result of countless hours of shampooing and conditioning. It was no secret that there was not a single split end to be found in his beautiful flow.  

When Lionel "came out of the jungle" as they say in the Serengeti, he was about the same age that young Simba was when he was chased out of his pride and ended up becoming boys with Timon and Pumbaa. Ironically, the first thing that Lionel bought after coming out was a little pet meerkat named Timon. The second thing he bought was an expensive man purse to carry around his little pet in. This purse was made out of the finest wrinkled Warthog leather. (Prada didn't make man purses. Pumbaa brand did however.) 

King of the jungle? Lionel was more on pace to become the next queen of the jungle. The way he skipped to a fro like a dainty gayzelle; the manner in which he refused to frequent watering holes that didn't have a nail salon within walking distance. Lionel took alot of shit from his Lion bros and all the homophobe hyena hecklers growing up, but that didn't prevent him from being the lion that he knew he was deep down inside beneath his silky smooth and blemish-free coat.

To pull a quote from Elton John's fabulous book of quotes:

"It's the circle of life, 

and it moves us all.

Through despair and hope,

Through faith and love.

Till we find our place,

On the path unwinding,

In the Circle of Life,

The Circle, of, Life."

It was pretty apparent that Lionel had found his "place" on the "path unwinding". Because the circle of life isn't very straight. And neither was Lionel. 

go pants yourself

Do you feel better with your pants on? Is that even a question? 

It is, sadly, but only because of the questionable punctuation proceeding those eight words there. It's a prime example of an inquiring inquisition that's totally unecessary; a dubious attempt at a debate that couldn't be anymore superfluous. 

It's rhetorical, God dammit, and without delving into the grammatical reasons why, I'll do my best to parley why you need not bother answering that question, let alone ever put on a pair of pantaloons again.

History speaks for itself, and if I've learned one thing from a pedagogical upbringing, it's that when it comes to the unforeseen future, history still wears the motherfuckin' pants, and you should not.

Historical scenario A: Jesus Christ. If Jesus Tap Dancing Christ had a dance off with the Rapture, would he kick the Rapture's pasty, uncoordinated ass? Aw hell yeah. That's because homeboy didn't wear pants. (The Rapture was last seen wearing assless chaps.)

Historical scenario B: Strippers. When was the last time a stripper made dollars plural wearing pants? It's been weeks. Mainly because a good pair of pants leaves too much to the imagination, not to mention pants + stripper pole = chaffing.

Controversial historical scenario C: Napoleon. Sure, one could argue that Napoleon Bonaparte wouldn't have risen to prominence in the latter stages of the French Revolution sans pants, but here's the catch: Napoleon was 5'4" tops. He never bought a pair of pants in his adult life. Doing so would have involved venturing into the boy's section at Gap. Weird. Even in France. Napoleon preferred bermuda shorts. He would tuck them into his knee-high socks. Dude liked to show off his calves.

Historical scenario D: Wizards. Robes. That magical breeze.

Now let's retrace our steps back out of Historical Lane and wander down the alley of aesthetics instead. Here are some case studies to nibble on while you squirm uncomfortably in your britches:

Case study A: Cargo pants. As functional as they may seem when your pockets are all stuffed with snacks and pens and shit, you'd honestly look and feel much better if you were in shorts and donning a man purse instead.

Case study B: Spandex. If pantalones were genetical entities, the skin-hugging variety would clearly be the dominant trait. Why would you purchase a pair of corduroys when you could invest in a pair of malleable elastic slacks that effortlessly fit the contours of your curves? Why would you purchase an expensive pair of designer jeans when jeggings now come in a variety of different washes? 

Sidenote: Why be a dirty hipster and purchase a pair of skinny jeans and bring absolutely nothing to the table of society, when you could just as easily sit in your room with the shades down and do the same thing, but pantsless?

Case study C: Zip-off pants. Unless you're trying to cheat on a math test (to which even a simpleton could figure out how to do), zip-off pants come up short in the looks category, especially if you wear them at pants' length before or after math class. Practical? Oh hell yeah. Stylish? Put it this way- in zip-offs, the only catwalk you'll be walking down is the path in your parent's basement that goes from your unmade bed to your cat's dirty litter box.

Case study D: Sagging. You look like a fool. 8,000,000 youtube views can't be wrong. Regardless, there's an indirect correlation between men aging and men sagging. As soon as your breasts start to sag, you tend to buy trousers that fit, or you at least invest in a quality pair of suspenders. 

Note to our nation's youth: don't wait until the droop starts to stop the sagging. Just stop now.

In conclusion, shorts, spandex, robes, jorts, assless man capris- anything, but pants. 

That does it for today's lesson in pantsology. Any rhetorical questions? Didn't think so. Class dismissed.