pokéman

Prior to The Facebook, the "poke" was reserved for getting a message across. Examples:

"You need to up the cardio, buddy, or at least go out and buy a pair of Mandate!- they're like Spankx, but for men!" (Informative poke to the gut.)

"You need to get the hell out of my kitchen, Dough Boy." (Assertive poke to the Pillsbury Dough Boy's gut,) "Seriously, stop giggling and get the fuck out my kitchen!"

Then Facebook came around, diminishing the value of the poke as we know it. An action that was once reserved for forthright conversation, has been degraded into a sheepish virtual verb, reserved for socially inept boys who want to get a girl's attention. And then what?

A poke used to say a thousand words. These days, a "poke" tops out at just about three. 

Long story short, you poke me, I will come over to your house, barge through your front door, march up to your room, hoof stomp your computer monitor, and poke you so hard that your ancestors feel it. If that doesn't get my message across, I will proceed to cut off each of your fingers, rendering you pokeless and unable to eat a buttery and delicious Pillsbury Crescent roll without assistance, for the rest of your life.

Without fingers, they only extremity you will be able to poke someone with is your... yeah... but before you do that, make sure they reciprocate your Facebook poke first.

gear shift happens

If the stickshift scares your wife then you must not be Ron Jeremy. If baseballs don't have American flags dancing proudly behind them, then you must not be in America.

So get to America, and get to your local VW dealer, get a VW, and start growing one of these. And while you're at it, pick your wife up one of these or have her download it on the Kindle for $4.91, upon which she'll gladly ride shotty.

let me quickly be brief-

The last time I bought underwear for $1.50 I was at my local Salvation Army, all hopped up on mothballs.

it looks like she's giving him a beej. but i digress

When it comes to making paper chain people, a few things to keep in mind. Firstly, if right handed, stick to using right-handed scissors. Over 2500 people die each year from using right handed products with their left. If you are left handed, stay away from right handed people. Over 1000 people die each year from right handed people shooting them in cold blood. If you are ambidextrous, you have better things to be doing with your talent than making paper chain people. Origami or playing paddycake immediately come to mind.

Secondly, be careful which paper stock you use when paper chain peopling. Too heavy a stock often results in frustration and poor cuts. Frustration and scissors tends to lead to self-inflicted flesh wounds. At the same time, too light a stock can often lead to rips and a fucked up looking paper people chain.

Lastly, don't be discouraged when your paper chain gang turns out looking like shit. Just take an image off of the world wide internet, log onto Pinterest and pin the fake image, trust me, nobody gonna know it wasn't you.

Now you're ready to take on your next crafty endeavor. How about a spice rack? Perhaps try your hand at a real man's craft, like friendship bracelet making.

A few things to keep in mind when making friendship bracelets- it's just a bracelet until you have friends to give it to :-/

see Joan smell

Joan Daly says she likes it when guys wear Old Spice. She likes it when pubescent boys wear Axe, and she is particularly fond of babies that smell like they are caked in baby powder.

Joan Daly says that she finds it comforting when decrepit men smell like cigar smoke. She also happens to enjoy it when old women smell like cheap perfume.

If Joan Daly had it her way, wet dogs would smell like dry puppies, and body odor would smell like fresh popcorn.

In Joan Daly's perfect world, that early morning sewer steam would smell like coffee, and instead of flatulence smelling the way it does, the gas emitted from your gastric tank would have the decadence of a gas station.

Because Joan Daly likes it when automobiles have that "new car smell" (despite reports that that "new car smell" is toxic), it can also be assumed that Joan Daly likes it when sneakers have that "fresh-out-of-the-box" smell. We can further assume that Joan Daly likes it when sneaker boxes smell like fresh-out-of-the-oven cardboard.

Joan Daly likes it when it's raining and she can smell a rainbow coming. She likes it when horse poop smells like unicorn shit.

Joan Daly likes to think that her own shit don't stink. Joan Daly once emptied a whole bottle of Old Spice into the toilet to make sure that it didn't.