An excerpt from the Book of Old Wive's Tales notes that peeling the wrapper off of a bottle is a sign that the peeler is sexually frustrated. A brief poll taken by women who reside in homes accommodating several issues of Playboy showed that they express similar feelings of sexual discontent. Several Old Wive's took a related pole and it was postulated that said sexual frustration experienced may or may not have had something to do with their significant others having "short poles". A long poll issued to people who write polls resulted in an anonymous agreement that they would indeed rather answer short polls. Not wanting to be complete hypocrites, an averaged-sized poll was then conducted amongst men who had "poles of all sizes." The poll was placed on the back of the Ballentine Skotch Whiskey label, and distributed throughout the country.
The results garnered were staggering.
When asked whether or not they would recognize a bottle of Ballentine Skotch Whiskey with its paper clothes off, roughly half of the bemused respondents replied 'no'. When asked if they would like to see the scotch bottles dressed in more seductive paper clothing, an astounding percentage responded 'yes'. Results were inconclusive whether or not this had anything to do with sexual frustration or the blood alcohol content of the pollsters.
In conclusion, save paper and dress the bottles in a more scantily-clad fashion. With less to peel, hence a more appealing bottle presentation, there will be less to take one's sexual frustration out on. This will not only benefit those couples bound together in holy matrimony and attempting to withstand the test of time, but the timber-dwelling creatures of the world will have their homes preserved. Timber-dwelling creatures. Like koala bears.
And maybe tone down the delicious skotch flavor in Ballentine some. You don't have to be literate in Old Wive's tales to know that whiskey dick renders all polls/poles useless.
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