smoke some irony

In hindsight, it's no surprise that "planking" made the cover of Life magazine back in the fifties. A). It's pleasant. B). It is a rip-roaring, damn good time. And C). it refrains from showing cleavage, suggestive hip movement nor does it further promote any sexual promiscuity by hiding any indication that the "planker" is sexually aroused.

In 1950's foresight however, who would have thought that Chesterfield Cigarettes would have fallen off the map by the turn of the millennium? These cigarettes A). not only contained the world's premium tobaccos, but B). also maintained a freshness standard that would make any 1950's nicotine-slave moist in their unmentionables. And for the record, Chesterfields were C). wrapped in cigarette paper of the highest quality- paper most likely made from organically grown redwood trees, raised in a smoke and pollution-free environment, and tended to for centuries by blonde virgins who refused membership in the now defunct Virgin Blonde Workers Union of America.

"Playing it Safe" and "Planking it Safe" may have applied to cigarettes and planking back then, but those days are over. Why plank on the floor when these days you can plank on a golf cart and become an immortalized YouTube video sensation? Why smoke an actual cigarette when you can smoke an electric cigarette of which the effects on your health are still yet to be known? Why plank on some random plankable object then get up and smoke a cigarette standing up, when you can chief cigarettes whilst planking on an inflatable kiddy pool filled with gasoline all the while being covered in baby oil on a bright sunny day? (Sorry, no YouTubey yet.)

Chesterfield Cigarettes are really just tobacco sticks laced with irony, which makes this particular ad kosher. It is more glaringly ironic to note that once you are dead and nine feet underground, you are essentially in prime planking formation for all of eternity.

..until some necrophiliac digs you up and planks you in your dead corpse that is.

And for the record, rain on your wedding day isn't ironic. Mother Nature's just a bish.

bodacious bottles: marketing module?

An excerpt from the Book of Old Wive's Tales notes that peeling the wrapper off of a bottle is a sign that the peeler is sexually frustrated. A brief poll taken by women who reside in homes accommodating several issues of Playboy showed that they express similar feelings of sexual discontent. Several Old Wive's took a related pole and it was postulated that said sexual frustration experienced may or may not have had something to do with their significant others having "short poles". A long poll issued to people who write polls resulted in an anonymous agreement that they would indeed rather answer short polls. Not wanting to be complete hypocrites, an averaged-sized poll was then conducted amongst men who had "poles of all sizes." The poll was placed on the back of the Ballentine Skotch Whiskey label, and distributed throughout the country.

The results garnered were staggering.

When asked whether or not they would recognize a bottle of Ballentine Skotch Whiskey with its paper clothes off, roughly half of the bemused respondents replied 'no'. When asked if they would like to see the scotch bottles dressed in more seductive paper clothing, an astounding percentage responded 'yes'. Results were inconclusive whether or not this had anything to do with sexual frustration or the blood alcohol content of the pollsters.

In conclusion, save paper and dress the bottles in a more scantily-clad fashion. With less to peel, hence a more appealing bottle presentation, there will be less to take one's sexual frustration out on. This will not only benefit those couples bound together in holy matrimony and attempting to withstand the test of time, but the timber-dwelling creatures of the world will have their homes preserved. Timber-dwelling creatures. Like koala bears.

And maybe tone down the delicious skotch flavor in Ballentine some. You don't have to be literate in Old Wive's tales to know that whiskey dick renders all polls/poles useless.