Miss February

June 1969

this nose smells playboy

Henry held the bottle of cologne up to his nose. As he inhaled deeply, he closed his eyes and shivered with delight.

"The wood notes in this one are, impeccable," Henry declared, matter of factly.

The cute girl behind the counter nodded in agreement. 

"Oh yes, and you'll notice that the sandalwood really compliments the-"

"The lavender base notes," Henry finished her sentence. He smiled. 

The girl behind the counter stood there with her mouth partially open in disbelief. She had never met a man with such a keen sense of smell before.

He wasn't done.

"You don't happen to have any more of those orange tic tacs I smell on your breath, do you?" 

The girl closed her mouth and reached beneath the counter and handed them to Henry.

"That's quite the nose you have there," she started, awkwardly. "You are quite good at.. smelling.. things."

He popped a few orange mints in his mouth. "Got it from my daddy," he responded proudly. 

The girl was suddenly overcome with a strong urge to eskimo kiss him so. But she refrained. That wouldn't be professional of her.

Henry could smell the scentual tension in the air. He handed the girl his business card. She held it in her sweaty palms and glanced up at him.

Henry winked. "I'll smell you later. Maybe?"

The girl blushed and nodded.

Later that night, Henry heard the phone ring. He figured it was the girl from behind the fragrance counter. But he didn't budge. He had his nose in the latest issue of Playboy.

Henry was the kind of man who read Playboy.

October 1970

Kimspired

While America is blessed with the asssinine alliteration that is Kim Kardashian, fifty years ago, England was blessed with one of its very own. 

Cathy "Cat" Cumberbatch was born in Conventry, England, on September 21, 1940. Growing up, her most notable asset without a doubt was the voluptuous blonde hair that cascaded from her head down to her ankles.  

Cat first came to the English tabloids' attention when her sex flip book leaked. (Flip books were what the blokes used to watch their smut on before VHS tapes were invented).

While the flip book fiasco wasn't the proudest of moments for Cat, nobody could deny that her "career" took off after that.

Soon after the flip book incident, Cat starred in Cooking Crumpets with the Cumberbatchs, a reality radio show that aired on Sunday afternoons also featuring her sisters, Cootie and Carmine. 

During this time she underwent a "marriage" with English footballer Kenny Tottenham that lasted almost three months, and played out very publicly on radios across the country. 

As her divorce was being finalized, Cat became romantically linked with Ellis Blackman- a fellow that the Beatles had requested to be the band's organist. Upon meeting Cat however, Ellis turned down the Beatles' invite so that he could focus on his new buxom blonde and maybe launch a solo career.

Once her divorce with Kenny was finalized Cat and Ellis were engaged; shortly after the two had a baby that they named Angry. 

In an attempt to get his solo career off the ground, Ellis recorded an album and had Cat pose nude on a motorcycle for the album cover.

This led to an endorsement deal with Triumph motorcycles, which led to the advertisement that you see above. 

This then led to Cat and her sisters coming out with the Cumberbatch Collection- a biker leather clothing line.

Cat and Ellis' wedding was scheduled for the following spring, however it never happened. A week before the wedding, Cat Cumperbatch, her fiance Ellis Blackman, and her son Angry Blackman rode off into the sunset on a motorcycle and were never seen again. 

Post mortem, Cat wasn't really missed because with all of the personal gain she sought while she was alive, her life served absolutely zero purpose to society.

Which begs the question: if history repeats itself, will we miss Kim Kardashian?