Please, help yourself to some Tanqueray. I'm going to go and slip into something a little more comfortable, *wink*
Janet finished reading the note that that Bones the Bulldog had scribed for her, after having watched him struggle with the ballpoint pen for approximately five minutes. As cumbersome as his paws were, they were equally soft, and Janet had held onto them tightly as they walked back from the bar earlier. Janet looked back up at the community college mascot, touched her index finger to puckered her lips, and gave the mascot her best bedroom eyes. As he animatedly skipped back into his bedroom fist-pumping his paws, Janet rose from the couch and fixed herself a stiff drink.
It had been a night of firsts, to say the least.
Earlier in the evening, Janet and the rest of her college cohorts had watched their team win its first football championship ever. It had happened to come against the crosstown rivals, and it had thrown the entire campus into a triumphant rage. At the bar just off campus following the game, she and the rest of her classmates had celebrated the big victory late into the night. Rounds of shots preceded rounds of shots, and extreme jubilation preceded the extraordinary hangovers to be had the following morning. But we haven't gotten to the ensuing morning just yet. As you may have guessed, Janet's night wasn't close to over.
Somewhere around the time she was standing at the bar waiting for her fifth or eight drink, Janet felt something furry rub against her thigh. Turning her neck she saw that it was Bones the Bulldog, his tail wagging uncontrollably as he celebrated the big win with the rest of the student body! Janet caught his tail and gave it a playful tug. The mascot turned and smiled at her with his wide, unmoving, grin of confidence. His big, round, excited eyes stared at her. He looked her up and down once; he waved. She waved back. He turned around, raised his furry arms and pointed his thumbs down towards the name on the back of the jersey he was donning. "Bones". He then pointed to her and cocked his head to the side. Janet said her name and the mascot put his paw behind his ear. Janet shouted her name. It was so very loud inside of the bar! Bones jerked his head towards the exit sign, and extended his right paw. Janet took it gingerly and followed him out the door.
Thirty seconds later, back behind the bar, after several failed attempts at translating what the muffled sounds coming out of the dog meant, Janet found herself recording another first as she rounded second base with her first-ever mascot.
Ten minutes later, Janet and the mascot were skipping back to his apartment.
Fifteen minutes later Janet was standing in his apartment, sipping Tanqueray and OJ with the most bated of breath.
* * *
After three sips, Janet heard her name being called. She set down the glass and sashayed slowly in the direction of Bone's voice. Entering the bedroom, candles glimmered. Shadows danced on the wall as she looked down and saw the mascot costume lying on the ground. Suddenly the closet door opened and a sixty year old man jumped out. Janet shrieked. He was extremely naked with the exception of his leisure footwear he was wearing-- Jiffies!
[Note to reader: Jiffies are comfortable. Nearly as comfortable as walking around without shoes. They're just alot better looking. The Continental (the style the old man in this narrative happened to be wearing) comes in six colors and costs only $7!]
Janet continued to scream as she turned around and sprinted directly into the wall, crumpling to the ground.
Girl was a waste case.
As she struggled to get up, she knocked over the candle that had been sitting on top of the dresser. The candle landed on the polyester mascot costume, instantly igniting it and creating a flaming barrier between her and her senior-citizen suitor. She stumbled to the door, snatched her clutch from the couch and darted out of the door of the apartment.
As Janet slinked back to campus with her tail between her legs, she heard the quaint sound of firetruck sirens crescendoing. She knew that Bone's would live to see another football season.
She just prayed that they wouldn't win another championship.
