At first my heart went out to the small child depicted in this bean ad for Van Camp's- initial impression being that this sorry little pork chop and his family were victims of gentrification. Perennially disposed of by city authorities, forced to sleep under bridges, subjected to eat cold beans, steal change from fountains, piss in fountains, give birth in fountains; Vagabonds.
At second glance, upon looking in the boy's eyes and making the connection between that deranged glare and his unwaveringly manic smile, it became evident that he ruthlessly murdered his family with a can opener. Killed them in cold blood, then ate cold beans.
At third glance, I read the copy: "Make your shelves gay... by stocking up on Stokely's Finest Honey Pod Peas today."
At fourth glance, I was still thinking about the visual imagery I had just encountered on my third glance, namely, Stokely's Fabulous Honey Pod Peas, sitting on gay little shelves. Perplexing. There's a shiny new 1952 nickel on the line for the first person who can reason with me why on earth you would want to put a can on a shelf that isn't straight?! Even a self-aware shelf who knows that deep down inside it isn't straight, a shelf that has yet to come out and is still "in the pantry" so to say, will still pretend to be straight, to avoid being laser leveled.
At fifth glance I stopped kidding myself. The twinkle in the eyes. The pearly white baby teeth. His old man's fly fishing hat sitting proudly on his head. I wasn't looking at a bloodthirsty homewrecker. I was looking at an innocent child who enjoys his beans. More specifically, a kid who likes his pork and beans. Because beans make you fart. Because farting is funny, when you're cute. It's also deadly however, when you are locked in an air-tight pantry and forced to eat God's magical fruit from your gay little shelves to survive. Beano-erotic asphyxiation kills a handful each year. Don't become a statistic.
While cans of peas and cans of beans may be non-perishable, it is important to remember that humans are perishable. So for your family's sake, make sure your pantry locks from the inside, not outside, and put child-proof locks on all your kitchen appliances. And for karma's sake, donate that extra can of food to the hobo family bathing in the fountain. Let them eat beans.
