let me quickly be brief-

The last time I bought underwear for $1.50 I was at my local Salvation Army, all hopped up on mothballs.

it looks like she's giving him a beej. but i digress

When it comes to making paper chain people, a few things to keep in mind. Firstly, if right handed, stick to using right-handed scissors. Over 2500 people die each year from using right handed products with their left. If you are left handed, stay away from right handed people. Over 1000 people die each year from right handed people shooting them in cold blood. If you are ambidextrous, you have better things to be doing with your talent than making paper chain people. Origami or playing paddycake immediately come to mind.

Secondly, be careful which paper stock you use when paper chain peopling. Too heavy a stock often results in frustration and poor cuts. Frustration and scissors tends to lead to self-inflicted flesh wounds. At the same time, too light a stock can often lead to rips and a fucked up looking paper people chain.

Lastly, don't be discouraged when your paper chain gang turns out looking like shit. Just take an image off of the world wide internet, log onto Pinterest and pin the fake image, trust me, nobody gonna know it wasn't you.

Now you're ready to take on your next crafty endeavor. How about a spice rack? Perhaps try your hand at a real man's craft, like friendship bracelet making.

A few things to keep in mind when making friendship bracelets- it's just a bracelet until you have friends to give it to :-/

the effeminate beard vs. the macho perm

Malt liquor versus light beer. A 1960's fashionista versus a weathered, vitamin C-deprived sea captain with a pegged appendage (not pictured). That perm versus that facial afro. Needless to say I was a bit taken back with these sudsy advertisements and the respective demographics they each marketed to.

In today's society, enjoying a "malt liquor" usually precedes painfully ripping the hair off of ones hands after using ten feet of duct tape to adhere eighty ounces of Colt 45 to your left and your right. There is usually some malt on your shirt as a result. This is done while stretching your bladder to it's maximum volume. It is usually performed around friends. Unless it's consumed in drinking game fashion, in multiples of 80 oz., it is probably in a brown paper bag, getting sipped by a homeless man in drastic need of a shower and a shave. (Keep "in need of a shower and a shave"' in mind, it gets alluded to again very soon) This said homeless man could probably use some methadone.

Whereas a light beer is a casual drink. A night cap. A beach brew, for the man who loves his dog, is respected by his wife, and brings home a sufficient amount of bacon to put in the piggy bank. It is the only kind of beer you would ever consider offering a young child. For the health conscious drinker who, while sober, cares enough about his well being to cut back on the calories, yet needs to get drunk to feel truly comfortable with themselves. For the imbiber who has the self discipline whenst inhibitions are lowered to stick with the initial dieting plan, so that when he looks in the mirror the next morning, or catches his own reflection on a passing taxi whilst standing on a street corner on the walk back the following dawn, can feel proud reminiscing the past night's decisions. Or maybe the lawn was just mowed.

At the very least I found it interesting to see a grizzled sea vet cheerfully enjoying a light beer, reflecting on those thirty three days spent in a lifeboat, floating on a salt water abyss. Presumably he is in a bar, surrounded by a fleet of rowdy men and a few turned off women. Maybe this Schlitz is fortified with vitamin C, and prescribed to help fight scurvy. Maybe this seaman likes how the frothy foam sticks to his beard. Maybe it tastes like mermaid milk. Equally interesting is the a pampered housewife smashing a can of malt liquor into her cranium after a hectic morning of (presumably) watching soaps, vacuuming, and fulfilling that strenuous 1960's gender role. Most likely alone. Maybe with Tommy James and the Shondells playing in the background. Drink until your cheeks turn crimson and you fall over, wifey. However you choose to unwind is up to you.

That being said, beer, malt liquor, it's all relevant. And carbonation feels great on anyones tongue. So you, with the malt liquor-- enjoy that perm while it's still in style; just make sure you can still see straight when you fix up your old man's martini when he gets home in a few hours. And you, with the light beer, congrats on having the common sense to not be the noble captain who goes down with his ship. Any tale goes better with a rugged beard. Any secret feels better when your ear is being tickled by somebody's facial pubes. I suppose the same can be said for those tiny CO2 bubbles.

Now, raise your respective beer canisters. To life's baffling beer advertisements! Cheers, people.

Now, who likes bongo drum intros?