make your music collection gay(er)

Sit on my lap and let me tell you how these things work

beans, beans, the gentrified fruit

At first my heart went out to the small child depicted in this bean ad for Van Camp's- initial impression being that this sorry little pork chop and his family were victims of gentrification. Perennially disposed of by city authorities, forced to sleep under bridges, subjected to eat cold beans, steal change from fountains, piss in fountains, give birth in fountains; Vagabonds.

At second glance, upon looking in the boy's eyes and making the connection between that deranged glare and his unwaveringly manic smile, it became evident that he ruthlessly murdered his family with a can opener. Killed them in cold blood, then ate cold beans.

At third glance, I read the copy: "Make your shelves gay... by stocking up on Stokely's Finest Honey Pod Peas today."

At fourth glance, I was still thinking about the visual imagery I had just encountered on my third glance, namely, Stokely's Fabulous Honey Pod Peas, sitting on gay little shelves. Perplexing. There's a shiny new 1952 nickel on the line for the first person who can reason with me why on earth you would want to put a can on a shelf that isn't straight?! Even a self-aware shelf who knows that deep down inside it isn't straight, a shelf that has yet to come out and is still "in the pantry" so to say, will still pretend to be straight, to avoid being laser leveled.

At fifth glance I stopped kidding myself. The twinkle in the eyes. The pearly white baby teeth. His old man's fly fishing hat sitting proudly on his head. I wasn't looking at a bloodthirsty homewrecker. I was looking at an innocent child who enjoys his beans. More specifically, a kid who likes his pork and beans. Because beans make you fart. Because farting is funny, when you're cute. It's also deadly however, when you are locked in an air-tight pantry and forced to eat God's magical fruit from your gay little shelves to survive. Beano-erotic asphyxiation kills a handful each year. Don't become a statistic.

While cans of peas and cans of beans may be non-perishable, it is important to remember that humans are perishable. So for your family's sake, make sure your pantry locks from the inside, not outside, and put child-proof locks on all your kitchen appliances. And for karma's sake, donate that extra can of food to the hobo family bathing in the fountain. Let them eat beans.

smoke some irony

In hindsight, it's no surprise that "planking" made the cover of Life magazine back in the fifties. A). It's pleasant. B). It is a rip-roaring, damn good time. And C). it refrains from showing cleavage, suggestive hip movement nor does it further promote any sexual promiscuity by hiding any indication that the "planker" is sexually aroused.

In 1950's foresight however, who would have thought that Chesterfield Cigarettes would have fallen off the map by the turn of the millennium? These cigarettes A). not only contained the world's premium tobaccos, but B). also maintained a freshness standard that would make any 1950's nicotine-slave moist in their unmentionables. And for the record, Chesterfields were C). wrapped in cigarette paper of the highest quality- paper most likely made from organically grown redwood trees, raised in a smoke and pollution-free environment, and tended to for centuries by blonde virgins who refused membership in the now defunct Virgin Blonde Workers Union of America.

"Playing it Safe" and "Planking it Safe" may have applied to cigarettes and planking back then, but those days are over. Why plank on the floor when these days you can plank on a golf cart and become an immortalized YouTube video sensation? Why smoke an actual cigarette when you can smoke an electric cigarette of which the effects on your health are still yet to be known? Why plank on some random plankable object then get up and smoke a cigarette standing up, when you can chief cigarettes whilst planking on an inflatable kiddy pool filled with gasoline all the while being covered in baby oil on a bright sunny day? (Sorry, no YouTubey yet.)

Chesterfield Cigarettes are really just tobacco sticks laced with irony, which makes this particular ad kosher. It is more glaringly ironic to note that once you are dead and nine feet underground, you are essentially in prime planking formation for all of eternity.

..until some necrophiliac digs you up and planks you in your dead corpse that is.

And for the record, rain on your wedding day isn't ironic. Mother Nature's just a bish.